Belittled Blog

Private Warfare

2006-10-21T11:54:00.000-07:00

With my boss recently being quiet, I've undertaken my own personal war.

You know what I hate most? Goblins. Really annoying critters. Recently I found out that the Guard of the Gourd agrees with me. He's worried that they're planning to blow up the Gourd with their explosives.

So, I've started a guerrilla warfare agains the ugly critters.
Mostly, I lurk around their Knob, waiting without eating or drinking and ambushing them by surprise, confiscating their explosives. The Guard of the Gourd supplies me with strengthening potions for this, which is pretty neat after not drinking or eating for so long!

Due to my military status, I'm not able to use the mall for supplies either, gotta get everything by myself. Also Hagnk's got sealed, due to some goblin treachery I bet.

The supply of goblins seems somewhat dwindling, so I've taken the liberty of taking a detour through the Pixel Lands. In conjunction with the old crackpot (turns out he's a vet from the Cola Wars and does military intelligence for the Guard of the Gourd) I've concocted a device to bait more goblins to me.

And in the meantime, the Council obviously learnt from my exploits, as they've commissioned me to assasinate the Goblin King...

The plot is getting thicker. Stay tuned!

Binarrrca.

2006-09-19T05:13:00.000-07:00

Well, I was enjoying some rest, when the boss called.

"Yarr, ye landlubber, ye be slacking about, go to the Island at once and deal with the pirates."

So, I suffered the slings and arrows (or rather, flareguns and blundarbusses, those Pirates' got technology nowadays) of their outrage, and mostly plundered their booty.

Which, for some reason, consisted mostly of a shipment of "Cans of Binarrrca". I was all happy about that, when the boss told me to go to my store, and sell it there. One per customer and way below market value!!!

Scandalous. I'll be in my hammock,.

No Time to Write

2006-08-04T05:33:00.000-07:00

Mostly, I did nothing, of course, although I did have some travails of my own.

Recently however, I've been forced into activity again and slavered hard in and around Cobb's Knob. They've got their King and apparently the boss is mad with him, and he wants to be King instead, or something.

I've been raiding the Treasury, stealing from their cooks and even their Harem Girls are not safe. I've taken a peak down the old mining shaft they've got there, but it's filled with spooky ghosts. I'm glad my boss is not sending me down there or into that creepy lab.

I feel kinda sorry for the Guard Goblins, but hey it's them or me.

Hard Labour!

2006-01-29T08:18:00.000-08:00

After a long time of well-deserved rest, the boss sent me into the Mines!

It's somewhat easier to navigate your way there, but it's still the same old hard labour of mining and getting injured over and over by falling rocks. I did find a few stones of eXtreme Power, however. I'm hiding them from the Boss and keeping them myself!

Ho, ho, ho :-(

2005-12-27T12:50:00.000-08:00

So, everyone been celebrating Crimbo. My boss being all the happy guy, and what do I get?

A bit of hanging about and working the gym. It all seemed pretty cool and quiet. But then it happens. "There's this trailer park in the mountains, go check it out". So, I go there, and guess what, Uncle Crimbo lives there and his guys are on strike.

So what does my boss ask? Go fight the Elves! I've been tussling with them for days straight! I'm not alone there, it's one giant rumble between striking Elves and adventurers. Uncle Crimbo eventually even sent his raindeer into the fray, to beat down on the Elves. But guess what, this one raindeer, Rudolph, turns against them and he even convinces some of the adventurers. I get a sign put into my hands, and before you know it, instead of being beat up by angry, sugar-crazed Elves, it's by big bulky Raindeer!

At least I've got this toy soldier, a vietnam vet, to help me. He downs tequila like it's lemonade, and I don't blame him.

Just when I'm getting in the mood, my boss swings by, telling me I'm relieved, and goes smacking Elves first, until he steals one of their signs and then just runs over the Reindeer. Even got his pet Elf, Flip, to help him.

Anyway, just glad to be out of there. Went to the Old Geezer in the trailer. He, the toy soldier and I, just sat around drinking tequila, while the whole Kingdom around us had gone crazy.

Merry Crimbo.

What am I? A zombie?

2005-11-03T10:11:00.000-08:00

So, now, that fraud of a "Doctor" from the market square claims to have made a "Breakthrough" in plague protection.

He uses the zombie pineal glands to make blowdarts. If I sneak up on adventurers with the plague and blowdart them, they get "immunized". Yeah, like, for real! My boss bought it hook, line and sinker, so guess who's fighting zombies, looking at the "Hall of Brains" and then sneaking up and blowdarting those people back in the future.

They don't all look too happy. Really.

And what's worst of it, all the time-travelling really makes one go dizzy. Major headache.

Dead Giveaway

2005-11-01T04:11:00.000-08:00

Every pause only means bad news is on the way. And boy, was the news bad this time. The boss is very upset. He lost all his stuff due to temporal rifts, and apparently they're tied in to the mysterious plague he hates.

In a month or so, we're all going to be zombies! And the only way to stop this is travel into the future to slay ourselves to get the cure...guess who gets to do the slaying?

Yup.

I've been travelling back and forth to the future to collect pineal glands from zombies. Even zmobie zombies!

Grumble.

Looking Down the Barrel

2005-10-11T04:42:00.000-07:00

Smash the barrels! Smash the barrels!

Like I don't have anything better to do? I've been smashing barrels all day. And some of those barrels aren't actually barrels, but monsters. Which try to eat you!

And others of those barrels contain explosives and explode in my face.

At least I could drink up all the booze that dropped from the ones that didn't explode or try to bite my head off!

All Good Things...

2005-09-29T04:13:00.000-07:00

You haven't heard from me for a while, because I was soooo busy with my own stuff. Jumping into that gash made me reincarnate. I don't kid. There I thought I had freedom. I was just doing my own thing you know, adventuring here, adventuring there. All to *my* liking, when suddenly two gifts appear in the mail.

Hey, stat boosting accessories, whadda-ya-know, cool! Little did I know at that time, that ditching my beer goggles and stuffed shoulder parrot would mean the start of my re-enslavement. In this life, just as in the previous, the master was there, pulling his strings.

So, there I went, clobbering my way through the weird 8-bit realm. And being sent to the crackpot to have him make this weird accessory. "Monster Bait". That sounds scary, doesn't it. What's even more scary was when the bossman said:"Neat, now you can go and thoroughly test this."

Sigh!

Adventuring on my own!

2005-09-13T08:45:00.000-07:00

So, I was just running around the Kingdom, doing this and that odd job, when I suddenly run into this massive tower-like building.

First I had to pass some doors. I had been snacking a bit on various potions and felt a bit weird, so when I got through them, I thought I'd take a nap. When I undressed in front of this mirror, it cracked. Kinda scary. Behind it was a cavern. I fiddled a bit with stuff there and these statues started moving! That opened another door to a hedge maze. Some tough motherfuckers tried to scratch me in there. I took care of them though and found this key. I got hopelessly lost, but at the end was the entrance to the tower, to which I, luckily, had just found the key!

A bunch of monsters inhabited every level of the tower, but they were quite easily dispatched or distracted. At the top, some dudes were riddling me with a code. Screw them! I just typed in a few of the numbers I had picked up from their conversation and that worked as access code to this door.

This woman started cackling at me and my own shadow attacked me. That hurts! I started healing myself and he just kind of stopped. The woman unleashed her pets on me and I retreated. Being a turtle tamer, I knew where to go! The arena. I trained up my own pets to strength to defeat hers. We were standing eye to eye.

Helped by my droid, it wasn't even a fair fight. He beat her up good, while I just added to the carnage. Then she turns into this creepy floating tentacle monster. Ew! Which I consequently beat up. Then she turns into a sausage, weird. Killed that one too.

There was this King imprisoned there, so I freed him. My boss will be proud, but unhappy. The council and the King say that if I jump through the gash, I will be free from my master. Sounds good. Let's try that!

Kilts?!

2005-09-06T16:18:00.000-07:00

Boss made me go out and work today. I was having some goofball withdrawal symptoms, so he first sent me to clean out the Knob Goblin Treasury. He started babbling about this meatbug again. Strange.

Then he had me go past the mall and buy furs and skins of all kinds. After that, he sent me to the meatsmith and he had a new kit. I've been hammering out kilts of all types and sizes all day! I feel like I live in a sweatshop...even though they're kinda neat.

Pining for a wand

2005-08-20T06:37:00.000-07:00

So, instead of having to go back to that ship filled with Ghosts and Droids and whatnot, Boss decided I should go visit this "Enormous Greater Than Sign". I was attacked by all types of ASCII characters. I was supposed to look for some new kind of wand or something, and should just go there and not come back without one.

All I got was a severe case of "Teleportitis", making me go places I'd rather not. I know a dozen funny limericks by heart, now...but no wand.

Paranoia

2005-08-18T10:37:00.000-07:00

I just hoboflexed half a day, and then got sent to that Airship place a bit more. I saw another ghost. A tin-foily one. Weeeeeeeeeeird!

Itch and burn!

2005-08-16T03:24:00.000-07:00

The boss started off by sticking me in a tanning booth for 100 turns. That was supposed to be good for my "secondaries". I came out red like a crab! Another 100 turns on the hobo-flex later, my skin started to peel a bit. He gave me a ton of Beelzeburgers to eat, which burned me on the inside.

Then he sent me to the beanbat-cave to get some bean, "that's easy enough", I thought. Except that that bean was some kind of magical bean, that, after being planted in this Giant heap of coffee grounds (what the heck was *that* doing in the plains?!?) grew right up into the clouds. And you guessed it right, I had to climb it.

He luckily had brought some of my more serious hitting stuff, because up there, it was a warzone! There was this huge ship, crawling with all kinds of monsters, and non-too-friendly adventurers and even huge MagiTechMech MegaMechs! They all seemed to be fighting eachother and consequently me. I was holding my own, until I got startled by some weird ghost. He had me so confused that I didn't notice one of the droids creeping up behind me and lasering my sunburn! Yowch! My MiniMech droid was no match for him, so I quickly slinked down and to my campground.

Talk about a trial by fire. One of those days, again, I guess.

Biding my time

2005-08-11T06:37:00.000-07:00

I needed a watch. Well, wanted a watch. So I can take a look at the seconds ticking away 'till I'm again forced to spend hours on that hobo-flex.

At first I thought I'd drop by the Cyrpt, but I forgot that I had already cleared that. Suprising that nothing else has taken residence there. After all, it's a perfectly good Cyrpt! Walking back home through the graveyard, I noticed that all the guys from the Cyprt were simply out partying on the lawn! And they wanted me to be the main course. I had to autoplunge some of them to get away, but besides a lihc's eye that had stuck on me (yeghh) and some cranberries (even more ewwww), I still had no watch.

The Mall of Loathing had a large supply of watches, however, so I simply picked up one of those.

Hobo-flex

2005-08-09T10:53:00.000-07:00

Blegh...

Boss made me hobo-flex all day. At least I was numbed from the hang-over. Excuse me while I vomit in the Sleazy Back Alley.

Goggles & Goofiness

2005-08-09T04:12:00.000-07:00

It must have all gone wrong when I took those goofballs. But hey, I had been forced to spend 200 adventures in the library! I needed a break.

But you know what goofballs can make you do. I was all hopped up, walking to my campground, when I passed the Mall. I saw...beer goggles. How cool are beer goggles? I plunked down the 6k meat like I had just found a dupe bug and decided that things should change. On my way to my cottage, I realized that I needed to change pants and go on a crazy adventure. Who wears miner pants? Uberpants, that's the shit! Rummaging through my stuff, I found my trusty old autoplunger. Now that's a weapon. Revving from o to 100 in 3.6 seconds flat. Wearing an "lihc face" is also yucky. I put on an orcish baseball cap. Now that's what I call stylin'.

It must have been the cap that triggered my memory of how much I hate orcs. Always with those paddles. Ugh. So I rowed over to their frat house and forced myself entry with my autoplunger! Woohoo! I made them drop their pants and stole their vodka. Serves them right. Sipping on the vodka, I smelt something bad. Hippies. If there's anything I hate even more than Orcs, it's Hippies. Taking my spiffy MagiMechTech MicroMech, I ran over to the hippies and beat them up. They had left some brownies, but I must have been drinking too much of that vodka, because my head started all spinny. Looking at the world through beer goggles didn't help.

In a drunken haze, I slapped some gel in my hair and made a mad dash for the Border in my bitchin' meat car. South of the Border, you can really have some fun, you know. I made a fortune betting on cock fights. All these darn kids though managed to sell me pieces of the most awful flavoured chewing gum. Yuck. The goofballs and vodka was starting to wear off, when this guy offered me pills. Woohoo, I thought, but it turns out they're some kind of medical pills. Well, who cares? I stashed my trunk full of them, and headed home.

Boy, am I gonna have a bad hang-over tomorrow. And I'll be forced to sweat it off on the hobo-flex, no doubt. Blegh.

I need a vacation.

We don't like to talk about it...

2005-08-08T14:26:00.000-07:00

...but it happens every day. The most respected of players do it, out of sight of the general populace.

Multi Abuse!